He tells the judge, "I just can't take it anymore. My wife goes out every night going from bar to bar and doesn't come home until way after midnight." The judge asks, "What's she doing when she's out?" The guy answers, "Looking for me."

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

I was driving down I-95 last Tuesday , not really paying attention , and I failed to notice that traffic had stopped. I slammed the brakes, but it was too late and I rear ended the vehicle in front of me. A young woman stepped out of the car, scowled at me and yelled "Well, ram me in theass as hard as you can, why don't you?" Later, I told the judge that this was the precise moment that the miscommunication began.

As he was walking through hell in despair, he met The Devil for the first time. Devil asks him: "Hey, mate. Why are you so desperate?" Man: "What do you think? I'm in hell." Devil: "Hell isn't that bad. We're having a lot of fun here. Do you like alcohol?" Man: "Sure, I love drinking." Devil: "Well then, you're going to love Mondays. We drink all Monday. Schnapps, beer, whiskey, tequila, everything. We drink until we puke and then we keep on drinking. If you get liver cirrhosis who cares? You are already dead." Man: "That sounds great!" Devil: "Are you a smoker?" Man: "Sure." Devil: "You will love Tuesdays. We smoke the best cigarettes and cigars from all over the world all day long. If you get cancer who cares? You're already dead. " Man: "That's just super." Devil: "I bet you're a gambler." Man: "Of course I am." Devil: "On Wednesday you can play anything your heart desires: poker, roulette, blackjack, anything you want. If you're broke, who cares? You're dead." Man: "Sounds like a lot of fun." Devil: "What about drugs?" Man: "Are you kidding? I love drugs. Do you think...?" Devil: "Yes, of course. Thursday is drug day. You can take all the drugs you want. You're dead. Remember? So who cares?" Man: "I didn't think hell is such a cool place." Devil: "Are fyou gay?" Man: "OF COURSE NOT!" Devil: "Sorry mate, but you're gonna hate Fridays..."

"Is everything okay, mate?" the bartender asks. The guy responds, "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?" "No, you don't understand mate, today is the last day!"

Doctor: I'm afraid your husband may never wake up from his coma. Wife: In his will it says he's left all his updog to you. Doctor: What's updog? Husband: *wakes up* Not much, doc!

Because it'a white and settles on their land.

He doesn't have any money but still orders a drink. When it's time to pay, he asks the bar tender if he's willing to let him bet to pay for the drink. The bartender asked what the hunter wanted to bet. The hunter looked up above the bar and pointed at the animal pelts hanging there and said that blind folded, if he touched a hide he would be able to tell what animal it was and how it was killed. The bartender took him up on the bet and blindfolded the old hunter and took down a hide. The hunter felt the pelt and said, "White tailed deer...killed by bow and arrow!" The bartender is amazed and says the hunter won the bet and doesn't owe anything for his drink. The hunter wants another drink so they do the bet again. Still blindfolded, the hunter feels the next pelt and claims, "Black bear...killed with a rifle!" And he gets another drink. This goes on all night as the hunter keeps guessing correctly and gets a drink after feeling each pelt, until he is completely drunk. Finally, in a drunken stupor the old man stumbled home and crawled into bed. He woke up in the morning with a splitting headache and a black eye and asked his wife, "Honey, I know I had a few drinks last night, but I don't remember getting into a fight! What happened?" His wife replied, "No, you didn't get in a fight, I hit you in the head with the alarm clock when you crawled into bed last night, shoved your hand down my panties, and said, "Fish...killed with an axe!"

but she still insisted on having sex. What a sick fuck.

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her... When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

A philosophy graduate asks *why* you want fries with that.

Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST." So, the students get busy writing essays proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers. The day comes when all the students get their final grades...and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class. His answer to the question: "What chair?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'. Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'. 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 19 to post that this sub is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb sub. 9 who have never changed a light bulb, but want you to know that they are related to, or friends with, someone who has. 11 to defend the posting to this sub saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post imgur links to photos of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs". 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.

One to change the bulb and nine to make T-shirts for the event.

Two. One to do the task and other to explain how lightbulbs were actually invented in ancient India.

The real question is: who broke the light bulb and why are they keeping us in the dark?

None. The media, Facebook, Twitter, and CNN told them that the lights were on.

None. One of them stole it, and the others "didn't do nothing."

Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell him he's a lovely girl, and he'll brighten up the room instantly.

As he leaves, his wife tells him, "While you're out, buy a gallon of milk." He never came home.